Wes's Top 5 Christmas Movies
Welcome to Wes’s Top 5 Christmas Movies. If you read the previous article, you all know why we’re here and even if you didn’t, the title is fairly self-explanatory, so let’s get right down to business. These are the Five Movies that I most associate with the Holiday Season.
5. Die Hard
If I were ranking these films based on overall quality and personal enjoyment, this would likely be number one. However, since this is a Christmas related countdown, the criteria is slightly different. There’s actually some debate as to whether or not this film even qualifies as a Christmas Movie, given that it has little to do with the holiday itself beyond the setting. My personal belief is that a Christmas film is any film that you personally associate with this time of year. If you have a holiday tradition of watching Enter the Dragon every Christmas Eve, then who’s to tell you it’s not a Christmas movie. For that reason, I have absolutely no problem putting Die Hard on the list.
It’s Christmas Eve and New York City cop John McLane is flying out to Los Angeles to attend a party at his estranged wife’s office building. However, when a group of terrorists crash the party and hold the guests hostage, it’s up to John to take out the bad guys one by one and save the day.
Die Hard is basically the gold standard to which I hold all other action movies that have come before or since. Bruce Willis is at the top of his game as John McLane, turning in a great performance with just the right amount of humor. But of course, every great action hero needs an equally great villain, and Die Hard also delivers in that regard with the intimidating and ruthless Hans Gruber played by the late Alan Rickman in his cinematic debut. Sure the film doesn’t really have much to do with Christmas, but that hasn’t stopped me from watching it on Christmas Eve every year without fail. Yippee Kai Yay Mother Fucker! Next!
4. Krampus
While not exactly a traditional Christmas movie, unlike Die Hard, this film is unambiguously about the holiday. More than that however, this film is one of the most unique and enjoyable horror films I had seen in a very long time.
It’s Christmas Eve at the home of the Engel Family, but all is not well. Instead of getting into the Holiday spirit, the family is fighting amongst themselves for petty reasons. Max, the youngest member of the family has had enough and tears up his letter to Santa Claus, unaware that this symbolic gesture has summoned Krampus, the demonic shadow of St. Nicholas, to punish those who have lost the Christmas spirit. Now, the family must put aside their petty squabbles if they have any hope of escaping Krampus and his minions and surviving to see another Christmas.
As I said, this is one of the most unique and enjoyable horror films I’ve ever seen, and that is based on two key factors. First, there’s the nature of how the horror is presented. This film does not rely on jump scares, at least, not as much as your average horror film. Instead, it opts to pray on more primal and child-like fears. That creepy looking Jack-In-The-Box or that shadow you think you see at night, the things that haunt your childhood dreams are made flesh as Krampus punishes the Engel family. Early in the film, there’s a scene where Krampus is scene on a roof, barely visible in the blinding snow. He chases one of the characters, but is never seen. That's just horrifying. But speaking of the family the other key point is that our main characters are actually fairly likeable characters who you genuinely want to see make it to the end. Sure they’re horrible to one another, but they’re by no means bad people. It helps that the cast is filled with recognizable actors such as Adam Scott, Toni Colette and David Koechner. It’s an amazing film with haunting visuals that makes for an unconventional Christmas classic.
3. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
This one was a no brainer for me. This is an all-time Christmas classic and I will fight anyone who says otherwise. In what is easily the most memorable entry in the Vacation film series, all Clark Griswold wants is to give his family the perfect Christmas. However, such a thing is much easier said than done, especially with his wife’s redneck cousin in town and his boss decided to cut his Christmas bonus.
This movie is hilarious, one of the funniest films I’ve ever seen, Christmas themed or otherwise. But more than that, I think the reason that this movie works is down to how realistic it is. The Holidays can be a wonderful time, but for many, they can also be a time of great stress. There’s family gatherings to prepare for, Holiday shopping to do, relatives you have to put up with, cooking to be done, it can wear you out. Clark Griswold is no different. Sure, Clark can be a jerk, a perv, and even sometimes an absolute lunatic, but underneath all that is a man who cares about his family who at the end of the day just wants to give his family the best Christmas he possibly can. When he snaps towards the end of the movie and has that legendary freak out, not only is it hilarious, due largely in part to the legendary comedic timing of Chevy Chase, but it’s also relatable. Who hasn’t cracked under the pressure of trying to please those around us every now and again? Honestly, my favorite moment in the film is the very end when all the chaos has died down and Clark stands alone in the show, stares at his house and, in a moment of glorious satisfaction, simply says, “I did it.” Christmas Vacation is a delightful film and a necessary component in making your holiday celebration into the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap danced with Danny f*cking Kaye! Hallelujah, Holy Sh*t! Where’s the Tylenol?
2. Hogfather
Okay, for those of you unfamiliar with this TV movie, the book it’s based on or the works of the late Sir Terry Pratchett, strap in, because things are about to get really, really weird.
Hogfather is based on the book of the same name from Terry Pratchett’s Discworld novels. For those unfamiliar, the Discworld is a flat Earth that floats through space on the back of four Elephants who are in turn standing on top of the shell of a giant space turtle. For everyone who wasn’t completely lost after reading that sentence, the story in question centers around Hogswatch, a winter celebration that bares a remarkable resemblance to our Christmas. A mysterious and malevolent force has contracted a sadistic and childlike assassin named Mr. Teatime to assassinate the titular Hogfather, the Santa Claus equivalent of Hogswatch. Teatime’s plan is as ingenious as it is horrific. By breaking into the tooth fairy’s castle and using ancient magic on the teeth of every child on the disc, they can erase all belief in the Hogfather, causing him to cease to exist. Death himself has caught on to Teatime’s plan and attempts to keep belief alive by taking up the Hogfather’s mantle while his Granddaughter, Susan, goes to the castle to stop Teatime directly.
Not only is this movie a personal favorite, it was also my introduction to the work of my now favorite author, the late Sir Terry Pratchett. Pratchett was known for his satirical edge and his knack for dissecting popular fantasy tropes and this book was no exception. The entire book is full of pokes and jabs at the idea of Christmas while still keeping to the spirit of the holiday. There’s also this great emphasis on the importance of belief. To paraphrase Death, as practice, humans need to believe the little lies like The Tooth Fairy and The Hogfather so that they can believe the big lies such as justice and mercy. I also really like this interpretation of The Grim Reaper. He’s not in any way malevolent and actually rather likes humans, he just doesn’t fully understand them, leading to some pretty hilarious moments as he struggles to fill the shoes of the incapacitated Hogfather.
The Discworld is a fascinating world and this TV movie is an incredible introduction to it. It’s a unique but still fun holiday classic that’s made it into my yearly rotation for the time that’s jolly with mistletoe and holly, and other things ending in… olly.
1. Muppet Christmas Carol
I probably tipped my hand a bit when I put Christmas Eve on Sesame Street as number one in my earlier Christmas article, but as much as I hate being predictable, I don’t care, I love the Muppets. I probably could have filled this entire list with Muppet specials to be honest. Be it A Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie, Muppet Family Christmas, The Bells of Fraggle Rock or Even the previously mentioned Christmas Eve on Sesame Street, no one, and I mean no one does Christmas quite like the Jim Henson team. But, even with all that said, Muppet Christmas Carol still stands above the rest. I’m going to assume that my readers have at least some familiarity with the Charles Dickens classic, but on the off chance that some of you have been living under a rock since the 1840’s here’s a quick summary. Ebenezer Scrooge is a tight fisted and mean-spirited money lender who hates, well, pretty much everything but Christmas especially. However, after a supernatural visit from three ghosts who show him that the current trajectory of his life will only bring ruin upon himself and others, he vows to change his ways and embrace the Christmas spirit. There’s a bit more to it, but that’s the general idea.
I’m sure this true for many in my generation, but this movie, the first Muppet feature film released following the passing of Jim Henson, was actually my introduction to the Charles Dickens classic. And despite the fact that Bob Cratchit is now a talking frog, it’s a surprisingly faithful adaptation. What really gives it a big boost is the one and only Michael Caine who plays Scrooge. No disrespect to the likes of Alastair Sim, Patrick Stewart and all the other great Scrooges who have come before and since, but for my money, Michael Caine is the definitive Scrooge. He’s the sort of actor who understands that, regardless of whether you’re acting in a Hollywood Film, on the London Stage, in a high school play, or, in fact, opposite a bunch puppets, you still have to put one hundred and ten percent into your performance, and that certainly shines through here.
More than any of that though, there is an intangible quality to this film. This may very well be the corniest thing I have ever said in my thirty years of existence, but this film just fills me with the spirit of Christmas. Every time I hear Scrooge’s joyful “Thankful Heart” song it totally warms my heart and just makes me happy to be alive. And for that, I simply cannot put it any lower than number one.
And that about does it for this article. I had a lot of fun writing it and I thank you all for reading it. Ladies and gentlemen, I wish you a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkha, Joyous Kwanza, Blessed Solstice, Good Yule, Happy Festivus and everything in between. May your holiday, whatever it may be, be filled with joy and happiness.