Deep Dive Disney: Wes Ranks the Disney Princesses (14-8)

Welcome friends, to a special two-part Deep Dive Disney ranking article. You know, we’ve talked a lot about the Disney Princesses over the course of this retrospective. In the past I’ve actually expressed my dislike for the concept quite a bit, but since I’ve been working on this retrospective for the better part of this past year, I’ve honestly softened on the whole thing. Maybe they are setting impossible standards for young girls and maybe not. It’s all up to your interpretation. While the princesses are far from perfect, at the end of the day, there’s nothing wrong with being kind, optimistic and believing that your dreams can come true. That having been said, some have definitely done it better than others and today, we’re going to see which of the Princesses were truly inspiring role models and which were poorly conceived characters as we rank them all from best to worst. Before we get to it, a few things to keep in mind. First and foremost, this is my opinion. You list will probably look quite different but this is my list and if your favorite princess ends up in the lower half, that’s just the way it is. Second, like the Disney Villains, there are several characters who could be considered Princesses, but this list will only ranking the ones who are part of the official line. That means no Vanellope, no Maid Marian, no Kida and sadly, no Megara. The only exception we’ll be making will be for Anna and Elsa. Yeah, turns out the Frozen sisters are not part of the official princess line. Not sure why Disney would leave two of its most profitable characters out of the club, but since they’re lumped in with the princesses often enough, to the point of appearing alongside them in Ralph Breaks the Internet, I’m going to count them anyway. So, without further delay, let’s rank the Disney Princesses from worst to best, starting, of course, with the worst.

14. Ariel

Well, you all knew this was coming. I’ve made it no secret over the course of this retrospective that I absolutely can’t stand this character. She is vapid, irritating, short-sighted and prone to putting her best friend in mortal danger for a fork to add to her collection. However, all that is just systemic of the real problem, which is, unlike nearly everyone else on this list, Ariel never gives us a believable reason to sympathize with her. Yeah, her dad is an overbearing xenophobe, but let’s see things from his perspective. If your youngest daughter wanted to leave home because she’s in love with someone she’s never met you’d be pretty concerned as well. The point is, Ariel lives a life of comfort, isn’t being forced into marriage, has zero impulse control and worst yet, thinks only of herself. That’s really the takeaway here, Ariel is selfish and it can be difficult to sympathize with her. Worst of all, in the end, she gets exactly what she wants. No lessons learned, no character arc nothing. Look, I know that Ariel is a fan favorite character, and if you were able to relate to her journey in any way then I say more power to you, but me, I’m absolutely sick of this ginger moron and I gladly proclaim her to be, the worst of the Princesses.

13. Aurora

Princess Aurora is nowhere near as irritating as Ariel. In fact, she doesn’t really have enough of a personality to be considered irritating, or likable, or interesting or anything for that matter. She’s kind of a blank slate. Think back to Sleeping Beauty and ask yourself this question: What does Aurora actually do in the movie besides sing an underwritten and overrated song? And that’s not even getting into the fact that she literally sleeps through the film’s climax. The sad thing is, Aurora just isn’t really an interesting character or really even a character in her own right. Sure she’s a kind dreamer who loves animals, but even in 1959 that was nothing new. Ultimately, Aurora is little more than a pawn in the game played between Maleficent and the three good fairies, the true main characters of the film. Aurora may not be actively irritating like Ariel, but at least Ariel had a definable personality.

12. Snow White

Ah, Snow White, the fairest of them all, but only the number twelve ranked Disney Princess. Still, she was the first of her kind and that’s not nothing. Truth be told, Snow White suffers from a lot of the same problems as Aurora but I think Snow here has a little bit more of an excuse. See, these days we expect our animated movies to have deep, complex stories with equally deep, equally complex characters, but back in the thirties, that wasn’t the case. Hell, most didn’t even believe that one could even make a viable feature length animated film until Walt Disney proved everyone wrong. The mere fact that this movie was made at all is an accomplishment in and of itself. As such, no one was expecting Snow White to be a complex character. Still, I place the kind-hearted Snow above Aurora by virtue of the fact that she has a little more personality and some fun characters to play off of, even if she does break into the Dwarfs cottage and order them around like she’s their mother.

11. Pocahontas

The reason Pocahontas is this low on the list is not entirely the character’s fault, but we’ll get to that in a minute. I actually don’t entirely dislike this character. I appreciate her natural curiosity, strong desire for peace over war and belief in following one’s own path. Not to mention the fact that Judy Kuhn is a hell of a singer. But, I gotta be honest, the historical inaccuracies are too uncomfortable to rank Pocahontas any higher. This goes far beyond changing a few minor historical details to better suit the narrative. That I could easily forgive. Giving her a romance with John Smith despite the real-life Pocahontas never having any sort of relationship with him, that’s a little more difficult to wrap my head around, especially when you consider that in 1607, the year that’s mentioned in the first ten seconds of the film, the real life Pocahontas was only eleven. Yes, I know THIS Pocahontas is meant to be eighteen, well, if that’s the case, maybe don’t give a specific date so any schmuck with a history book can look it up. Overall, she’s not a bad character, but she’s got too much “What Were They Thinking” to rank any higher.

10. Anna

Truth be told, there isn’t actually anything specifically wrong with Anna. She’s actually really likable, fun to be around and while occasionally naïve, she’s still a great character who is willing to do whatever it takes to help her family and her kingdom. The problem we face with Anna is that she’s constantly overshadowed by her infinitely more interesting sister that she seems underdeveloped by comparison. Even in the first Frozen movie which spent a lot more time with Anna than it did Elsa, it’s clear that the writers put a lot more effort into developing Elsa’s character and Anna sort of fell by the wayside. This becomes even more prominent in Frozen II which feels completely like Elsa’s movie until she tags in Anna in the last ten minutes so she can do something that Elsa could have done just as easily on her own with a few tweaks to the script. Still, I like Anna’s relationships with all the characters, she gets a funny line here and there and she is one of the few characters on this list to achieve the title of queen, which automatically earns her some bonus points. She may not be able to step out of her sister’s shadow, but she’s a great character all the same.

9. Jasmine

We are officially getting into the characters that I genuinely like. As I’ve said many times, Aladdin, while far from a perfect film, is nonetheless a film that has a very special place in my heart. Fun fact, Jasmine is the only character on this list whose voice actress I’ve met in person. Linda Larkin is a lovely lady and I don’t hold it against her that she played an Arabic princess despite being as white as the audience at a Toby Keith concert. Jasmine herself is a great character, and unlike Ariel before her, I actually understand why she wants to leave the confines of Palace life. She’s also shown to be pretty smart and quick on the uptake, as shown when she is able to figure out and quickly adapt to Aladdin’s con to get her out of trouble with an angry merchant. I’m still astounded by how good she was at acting like a crazy person. She also shows off that quick thinking when she distracts Jafar so Aladdin can steal the climax towards the end. The remake which we recently covered expands on her character in some interesting ways. She’s not trying to escape palace life in this version, she wants to be Sultan without marrying some stranger, believing she can rule the kingdom as great as any man, probably better.

8. Mulan

This is going to be controversial. I know that a lot of people would likely place Mulan much higher, if not the very top of the list. How dare I place this beloved character in the bottom half of the list. Don’t worry, I can explain, but first let’s talk about why Mulan is awesome. Mulan was truly unlike any princess who came before her. While all the other princesses had their own positive traits (save for a certain red head fishwife we’ve already discussed), they still typically sat on the sidelines and let the men do most of the fighting. Mulan basically said, fuck that, I can kick some ass all on my own. And kick ass she does, becoming the top soldier in her unit and taking down the entire Hun army, twice! Mulan was the first female Disney protagonist who could rightfully call herself a badass, paving the way for other badasses to come. However, we need to address the elephant in the room. Mulan isn’t a princess. She wasn’t born into royalty, she doesn’t marry into royalty, I don’t even know if she ever really holds a position of authority of any kind, and this is a list of Disney Princesses, so I can’t justify Mulan going any higher. I know it’s petty, but it irks me that Mulan gets to join the princess club while actual princesses like Kida and Megara get left out of the club.

But anyway, that’s it for the first half of our Disney Princess ranking. Join us next time when we look at the top seven and see which Disney Princess claims the number one spot. See you next time.