Lucha Underground Season 3 Episode 34: Career Opportunities

Hey there y’all, it’s been a while hasn’t it. I’m really sorry about that. As much as I love bringing these articles to you guys, the truth of the matter is, I have two very time consuming jobs and on top of that, I’m also in the process of buying a house and eventually moving and as such, these articles have sadly had to take a bit of a backseat for a while. However, I finally found some time and we’re here now, so let’s do it.

Match #1: Drago vs. The Mack for an Aztec Medallion

Accompanied by everyone’s favorite sinister, seductive, sassy, sultry, sexy, superior, slithering, sly, sumptuous, sapphire serpentine senorita who in reality is a sweetheart who sees fit to circulate my silly scribblings on certain social media sights, Kobra Moon, the Blood Red Reptile, Drago makes his way out to the ring to face the brawler from South Central, The Mack. The two had a pretty fun back and forth match, with both showing off their unique styles. The Mack giving Drago a blatant middle finger was a nice touch. However, a distraction from Kobra Moon allowed Drago to take advantage and earn his way into the Gift of the Gods match at Ultima Lucha Tres.

Winner: Drago

After the Match, a frustrated Mack hits a stunner on his opponent. As he tries to do the same to the Reptile Queen, Mack finds himself laid out At the hands of Pindar and Vibora who emerge to come to the aid of their mistress. As Mack lays broken, the Reptile Tribe stands tall.

Up next, Dario Cueto is in the ring to make some big announcements, most of which pertaining to next week’s special event, the 100th episode of Lucha Underground. Next week, Pentagon Dark will take on El Dragon Azteca Jr. Following that, Prince Puma, the winner of the Cueto Cup, Prince Puma will assemble a team of his choosing to take on Johnny Mundo and the rest of the World Wide Underground. And finally, in the main event, Rey Mysterio will go one on one with The Monster Matanza Cueto. Dario and Rey aren’t exactly on the best of terms at the moment after Dario interfered in Rey’s title match against Johnny Mundo and Rey gave El Jefe a 619. Following the announcement, Dario calls Rey out to the ring. Dario says that tonight, as a warm up, Matanza will face all three members of the Rabbit Tribe, and to prevent interference, Dario demands that Rey leave but Rey refuses until Dario threatens to fire Dragon Azteca. Rey capitulates, but only after stating that once he’s done with Matanza, he’s coming after Dario.

Match #2: Cortez Castro vs. Joey Ryan: 5-0 Street Fight for an Aztec Medallion.

It may be an Aztec Medallion at stake, but the personal animosity that has been building up between these two over the course of two seasons goes beyond a simple piece of gold. These two undercover cops have hated one another since day one, and now, with both of their covers blown and all pretense dropped, it’s all come down to this. As the fine men and women of the Boyle Heights Police Department surround the ring clad in riot gear and the temple is redecorated to resemble a police station complete with a squad car, nightsticks hidden under the ring and even a table full of coffee and doughnuts.

What follows, well, I find it unlikely that it is the best segment in Lucha Underground History, but for me personally, it was definitely the most fun. This match had everything that makes Lucha Underground what it is. Violence and blood, fast paced action, and ridiculous gimmick matches turned into amazing spectacles. I loved ever ridiculously violent and violently ridiculous second of this match and I consider myself fortunate to have experienced it. There was no shortage of amazing moments in this match, including a nice Rock Bottom on the hood of the cop car. However, the highlight came when Castro poured piping hot coffee all over Joey’s balls. And then as Joey Ryan was still recovering, Cortez zaps the gross motherfucker in the nuts with a FUCKING TASER!! Impressively, despite his dick probably looking like a burnt sausage by this point, Joey is still able to walk around and even fight back, but Cortez still manages to finish him off with a slam on a pile of riot shields.

Winner: Cortez Castro

Main Event: Matanza vs. The Rabbit Tribe

Matanza is still very much the indestructible force of nature he’s always been, but Paul London and his pals are no ordinary Rabbits, these are Rabbits with a vicious streak a mile wide. The Rabbits managed to hold their own, and even tried taking down the monster with a couple of confetti filled Easter eggs. Now, if you ask me, that’s a little like trying to take down Godzilla with a bottle of maple syrup. At best, nothing will happen, at worst, you’ll only manage to piss him off, and ultimately, you’ll only really end up making a mess. However, even the antics of the Rabbits aren’t enough to overcome the monster.

Winner: Matanza

Tonight’s show closes with Prince Puma coming out to announce his teammates for next week’s atomicos match. However, he never actually gets that opportunity as he’s interrupted by his long time rival and his opponent at Ultima Lucha, Johnny Mundo. Johnny and Puma banter back and forth for a bit, but eventually Mundo decides to put Puma’s confidence to the test and suggests that he put his mask on the line. Puma accepts, but Dario emerges from his office with a better idea. Since Fenix has already put his mask on the line against Marty at Ultima Lucha, Dario suggests that instead, Puma put his career on the line. Despite Vampiro warning him not to, Puma accepts as the show ends.

Match of the Night: Without a single doubt, I need to give this to the 5-0 Street Fight. This is actually right now, the front runner for best match of the season. I love everything about this kind of match and it was a great payoff to the showdown between these two that we’ve been building towards for two seasons.

Spot of the Night: Taser. In. The. Balls. ‘Nuff said.

Segment of the Night:

No cinematics this week, so I get to be creative with my pick this week. I liked the two in-ring segments, but I’ve decided to give this to the Mack getting beat down by the Reptile Tribe. It’s always nice to see the snakes in action and, in the interest of transparency, Puma and Dario are already way ahead in points and I’d like to give the others a chance to catch up.

Final Thoughts: The matches on this episode were fun and the Street Fight was simply incredible, but this episode seemed to lack a certain something, mostly due to the lack of cinematics. Still, the build to Ultima Lucha is in full force. Join me next week (hopefully) for more.