Once Upon a Time Recap: Season 5 Episode 16

I missed last week’s recap for two very important reasons. Reason 1: I was incredibly busy with real life stuff and simply didn’t have time for it. Reason 2: I was so incensed by the ending of that episode that I simply didn’t have the mental energy to write about it. Transitioning from that episode to this one, let’s talk about Zalena.

I will not mince words here. I do not like Zalena. Not only is her characterization a slap in the face to the legacy of a great villainess like the Wicked Witch of the West, but even if you can ignore that, the character has virtually no redeeming qualities, and not in a good way like Peter Pan, but in a torturously annoying way. The series tries to bill her as a great villainous mastermind, but in reality, she is little more than a petty jealous bitch. Hell, the whole reason her skin is green is because she’s jealous, which is such a stupid plot-point I won’t even bother getting into that. Look, I have nothing against Rebecca Mader, she’s a fine actress and she does her best with the material she’s given, but the fact that it is season five and we still haven’t gotten rid of this awful character is a travesty. And what really saddens me, this character has a slew of staunch defenders who actually enjoy and want to see more of her. So, for all among you who still like this character, allow me to ruin that for you. I actually did some research, and came to learn that the means by which Zalena became pregnant with Robin Hood’s baby last season fits the legal definition of rape by deception. So remember, next time you cheer on your “favorite wicked witch,” just remember, she’s an unapologetic rapist. Anywho, sorry about that rant, I just really, REALLY, hate this character and much of this episode revolves around her.

We finally return to Storybrooke proper and see that Belle has been placed in charge of watching Baby Neil and Robin Hood’s unnamed daughter. It is here where we learn that not even an F5 tornado can keep Zalena out of Storybrooke and out of our hair. Zalena returns, but thanks to the combined efforts of Rumple and Hades, Zalena, Belle and the baby are all transported to the Underworld. Oh yeah, at the end of last episode, we find out that Hades and Zalena once had a thing for each other. Well, at least he’s got one thing in common with his brother Zeus, they both have terrible taste in women. But while both Zalena and the mythological Hera are both petty, jealous, murdering psychopaths, at least Zalena and Hades aren’t brother and sister so point Hades, I guess. Anywho, once Zalena arrives in the Underworld, she immediately puts two and two together that Hades brought them there and desperately tries to protect her baby.

That’s when we get this week’s flashback, and it’s back to Oz. To the episodes credit, we finally get to see more of the Wizard of Oz characters that were insultingly glossed over back in season 3, namely, the Scarecrow. Zalena tries to take Scarecrow’s brain in order to attempt the time travel spell she was working on in season 3, but she’s stopped by none other than Dorothy Gale. Dorothy’s much older than the last time we saw her and she’s now wielding a sword and a new, warrior-like attitude. As an aside, if this episode was meant as a backdoor pilot to another spinoff in the same vein as Once Upon a Time in Wonderland, I’d be all for it. Anywho, an enraged Zalena is on a warpath now that Dorothy’s back, prompting the arrival of Hades, who sees Zalena as a kindred spirit of sorts, in that they are both universally despised and both have siblings whom they despise for getting all the breaks in life when they got nothing. Again, to the credit of both actors, the two actually have solid onscreen chemistry as they grow closer, even factoring in Greg German’s poor line delivery this episode. However, when Hades finally professes his love, Zalena believes it to be a manipulation and she demands that he leave. In the present, Zalena runs into Robin and Regina and is her usual insufferable self. Once again she acts pathetic and wishy washy until the good guys let their guard down and the second they let her hold the baby, she teleports off. However, this time, it actually seems like she’s learned her lesson, at feast for the next ten minutes and realizes that she can’t keep the baby safe as well as Regina can and gives her up. While I believe that Regina is a blithering idiot to trust Zalena at this point, I appreciate how she sees her old self in her evil sister and believes that if she was able to find redemption, then so can Zalena. Another side note, I appreciate that they’ve actually given a realistic reason for them not naming the baby just yet, because Hades can use the power of a name against them.

The episode ends with a confrontation between Zalena and Hades where we learn that the reason he’s made the Underworld to resemble Storybrooke and seems so out to get Emma and the others is completely because of his love for Zalena. Pardon my French but qui est la plus grande charge de conneries que j'ai jamais entendu parler. There is no way, in this or any hell, that anyone, and I mean ANYONE, would go to this much trouble for Zalena of all people. Hades, dude, you’re a freaking God. You can literally have any woman you want. Hell, Zeus once turned himself into a cow and still got laid. Zalena ain’t worth man. I’m really hoping there’s another part of Hades’ master plan that we’re not seeing yet. After all, the first half of the season did such a great job keeping Emma’s motivations hidden until the endgame was upon us, so there’s no reason they can’t do the same with Hades, but we’ll see what develops next time.